divanared4est

04:38 pm: Back from the dead
I FINALLY remembered my password.

Doh!

Blah, blah, blah.

11:33 am: Killing the Television
Time to do the best thing I can for my mental health and turn the T.V. OFF!

I have been suffering through depression all of my life, and it does have more than one cause, but I notice that the television really is making it worse.

I wasn't actually feeling too bad this morning until I turned on the T.V. and within 5 minutes I was anxious and depressed.

It isn't really a huge surprise.
CONSTANTLY being bombarded with Crap-for-Sale has been driving me nuts for years.

STOP SELLING ME STUFF!!

I live within my meager means and I don't WANT to get in debt for the rest of my life for a bunch of shiny junk, and that is what it is...junk.
Yes, I am depressed but I don't want your drugs that have side effects that I will need MORE drugs to counteract, which will require MORE drugs because of THOSE side effects....yeah...like going through THAT isn't going to make me depressed?

Uh....no.

Christmas season utterly repulses me as do most holidays because of the "buy this or you aren't a good person" ad tactics.
My man doesn't need to buy me a new car to tell me he loves me.

I don't even want to get into the booze ads which are EVERYWHERE.
What a load of crap.
Drinking will do nothing but screw up your life.
I don't drink anymore and don't care to be around those that do.
Drinkers STINK!
Seriously....you REEK!!
I can't believe I used to walk around stinking like that disgusting funk.
I HATE alcohol ads.

And why watch T.V. anyway?
The News isn't actually "News" anymore, it is "Info-tainment".
There is NO reality in "Reality T.V.".
Reality television was just another way of screwing writers that had one shred of talent and actually wanted to be compensated for their work.
Okay, I DID like Lost...in the first season, but now it is a boring waste of time.
I do like C.S.I. but I have seen them all and now that there is no William Paterson I have lost interest.
No.
It isn't worth it anymore.
It is a device that sucks the very life out of my life.
It goes on and nothing else happens.
It eats my creativity.

So I got up and turned it off.

I do still like to play my Playstation now and then and one day I may well break down and buy a Nintendo Wii simply because I LOVE the fact that they actually figured out how to get gamers up and exercising, which is really cool.
(Seriously...that was fucking brilliant!)

Other than that, I think I will read the news online and the T.V. can become the Playstation's bitch.

03:51 pm: The past revisited...
Funny thing about those from the past bubbling up to the surface...it is always bitter-sweet.

I am glad my old friend isn't dead.

I wonder why he appeared out of nowhere now.

Curiouser and curiouser...

10:02 am: Old Friends
Got an email I never thought I would recieve on Sunday from someone that I was starting to think was dead.
It is nice to know that he is alive and well and living in Georgia.
Of all the people I have ever met that NEEDED to move someplace else just for the sake of living someplace else for awhile, it would be him.
This place was doing him no good.
I thought about moving to the South a few years ago but decided against it.
In truth, I don't feel well when I am too far from the Pacific.
I looked at the rent rates in Georgia this morning in an effort to stave off mind-numbing boredom...it really isn't much different than here, and here you don't have bugs the size of Buicks, endless hurricanes, and unsufferably hot summers.
Not to mention the price of heating oil, which we don't deal with here, or the fact that minimum wage there is $5.15 an hour.
The labor laws in the South are Draconian at best.
No.
I will stay by my beloved Bay and be happy with it.
As much as people bitch about how much this place costs, when you really sit down and do the math with all the variables, it really isn't any worse than anywhere else.
Rent and fuel costs are high everywhere.

It was nice to hear from Mark, but it always makes me wonder if it is going to be just another one who says "Hi!" and I never hear from them again.
I am pretty tired of that.
After awhile it starts making me wonder if there is something wrong with me that these people aren't mentioning.
Perhaps it is that being a childless adult makes me a bit of an alien to most folks.
Sometimes I see the look of jealousy in their eyes as they deal with their kids.
I have a freedom that they had once...and a lot of them really miss it.
It is like their eyes say, "This is nothing like I thought it was going to be"....and then they invariably babble about how much they are glad they had a kid.
Funny...they ALWAYS have to reassure themselves of that.
I have watched it for years.

Still, it is kind of a drag because I do lead a decidedly different life from them and most of them just can't deal with it.

ahhhh....time to run to the Post Office.

04:35 pm: Conspicuous Absence
Not a whole lot to post.
I do my real writing on paper, which is generally where personal stuff belongs anyway.
Still working out a lot of things in my head.
Kaiser is still screwing Dereck every chance they get.
I swear, they are pure evil.
("Thrive" my ass!!)
Naturally, Dereck is stressed out, as well he should be.
I am glad he lives where he does.
If he was not at his father's in the downstairs apartment he would be on the street.
I wonder how many people are on the streets because of similar circumstances?
Honestly...what ARE you suppossed to do?
You are injured and can't work but the hospital is all about the money.
Never mind the fact that THEY hurt him in the first place because of sheer incompetence.
ARGH!!
It is SO FRIGGIN' FRUSTRATING!!
Christmas is as it always is...stressful.
It isn't the holidays that I hate so much as it is all the commercialism that goes with it.
"The Reason for the Season" stickers are SO amazingly offensive I just want to scream at those morons, "We were celebrating YULE a LONG TIME before YOUR 'God' was born."
GHAAAA!
But....I rarely do.
Once in awhile some thumper will set me off...but not often these days.

All in all...I think I will go home and play with my cats.

04:46 pm: Bye James
They found James Kim dead today, as I predicted.

Bummer.

Odd thing is how many people thought he'd be fine because he was so smart.
Computer smart doesn't mean jack shit when you are up to your ass in snow....it means you know about computers.

I was hoping they would find him alive but when it comes down to it, I have a realistic streak.
It wasn't likely.
Hypothermia will kill you dead faster than most people realize.

I do hope that people take this sad death to heart and THINK before they drive off into the boonies in winter.

That earthquake kit you SHOULD have in the trunk of your car...that thing could very well keep you alive in other instances as well.

09:19 am: Trimming Down
It is that time of year when my system seems to go into a restless state and I start trimming down, both weight wise and lifestyle wise.
I got an old computer from work when we upgraded the work machines.
Naturally ther damn thing doesn't work.
I now have 3 non-working computers gathering dust.
Quite frankly I could care less.
I don't tend to want to jump online when I am at home anyway.
I just wanted to play my friggin Pirates game!!
Screw it.
I will play with my WORKING Playstation 2 and be done with it!!
I am now on the hunt for SimCity for the Playstation.
I LOVE city builder games.
Hack and slash games just don't do it for me.

The computer(s) and all that crap are going to go sit in the van, out of my face.

I need that desk space for sewing and artwork.

I need to finish the dog coat pattern for Nealon and get that thing made.
It is getting downright frigid!

Blah

10:04 am: Apple Pie

I baked this apple pie on Sunday.
It is the first one I have made since I was a little kid baking with my grandmother.

Yummy?

OH YEAH!

Mmmmmmmm.....pie......

02:13 pm: Tiran....You're a JERK!
Still working a few things out in my head about a few assholes from the past.
After dealing with so many jerks for so long, it is taking a little getting used to NOT having to watch my back every minute of every day.

Tiran was BY FAR the worst as far as just general assholishness goes.
It wasn't just me...the guy is just a jerk, pure and simple.
What pisses me off more than anything else is the fact that I let his crap go on long enough for him to get the chance to dump me for another woman.
I SHOULD have left his sorry ass LONG before the break-up happened.
Truth is the man has treated EVERY woman he has ever been with like crap, it wasn't an isolated incident.

I could never trust him because he was never trustworthy, period.

Honestly...what kind of an asshole takes his woman to the house of the woman he is leaving her for?
That was totally uncalled for.
A MAN would have simply told the truth and left.
Only a true piece of shit would pull what Tiran pulled.

In retrospect, I am actually glad that he proved what a creep he was so there is no phony "we-can-still-be-friends" bullshit.
We were NEVER friends.
That man is no one's friend.

I have heard the shit he talks about people, ALL PEOPLE, behind their backs.
That man is a friendly enemy, and should not be trusted by anyone for any reason.
For awhile I thought the break-up was all my fault but then I really looked at how that man acted towards me, and every other relationship he had been in.

The man could never get it into his head that NONE OF US were his mother.
Instead of actually taking up his problems WITH HIS MOTHER, he projects them onto whomever the "lucky" woman is in his life that moment of the day.
He could actually BE A MAN, and deal WITH HIS MOTHER, but no.
He treats every other woman like crap because he is too much of a pussy to take it to the source.
58 years old and still blaming all of his problems on his mom.

I guess the Department of Grow-The-Fuck-Up skipped his house.

He was too much of a pussy to tell me that he was leaving me for his little buddy Lisa, but I knew what was up the moment I laid eyes on her.
Yeah lady, your husband left you for another woman and you were oh-so-heartbroken that you turned around and got involved with a man who WAS ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP.
Being the slimeballs that both of you are, you two got together and had your "marathon phone conversations", among other things, not giving a shit about the fact that he was in a relationship.

It isn't like I am the first woman he has cheated on.
Hell, that man has NEVER been faithful to his woman....EVER!!

Am I pissed off that the relationship is over?
HELL NO!!!
I am pissed off that I didn't leave when I should have.

To be blatantly honest to myself and the world, it was a lousy relationship.

He is probably the most narrow-minded bigot I have ever met.
He hides it pretty well in public but that man makes Mel Gibson look like a charter member of the Jewish Anti-Defamation League.

Hearing all the white-bashing isn't exactly thrilling either...being that I, and every other woman he has ever been with in the last 30+ years, happen to be white.

After hearing what he has said about every other musician he has ever played with I am flat amazed that ANYONE plays with him.

I won't even get into his little temper tantrums at gigs but again, I would not EVER hire him, or any band that he was in due to his lousy attitude both on and off of stage.

He blames The Doobie Brothers of vast implausible offenses that kept him from getting the credit he deserved and conspiring to keep his solo album from selling, blah, blah, blah.

What a crock.

Here is a little bit of truth pal...The Doobies didn't record most of the songs you wrote because they sucked.
PERIOD!!
Your album didn't sell because IT WAS LOUSY!!
PERIOD!
The cover art was crap and so was the music.
That isn't just me being pissed off either...I have played that thing for several people and ALL of them said the same thing...it's pure shite.

I called "Shenanegans!" on your lies about Shevonne.
You KNEW she was so messed up that she was hearing voices in her head and you did NOTHING!
She TOLD YOU that she was PLAYING WITH YOUR GUN and you DID NOTHING!!
You HEARD THE GUNSHOT and not only did you do NOTHING to help her, or EVEN GO BACK INSIDE, oh no...you just kept on backing down the driveway.
You may as well have pulled the trigger yourself and you know it.
She was the love of your life...the woman that you destroyed a marriage for...and yet when she needed you to help her YOU DID NOTHING!!

Shevonne is dead because you didn't lift a finger to help her.

You are a vile person Tiran.

You suck the joy out of everything and everyone you touch.

Yours is a house of misery and despair.

I feel sorrow for anyone that you come into contact with.

03:01 pm: Bye Jack
Happy Trails, Jack

Bummer.

I liked him.

03:01 pm: Bye Jack
Happy Trails, Jack

Bummer.

I liked him.

03:00 pm: Bye Jack
Happy Trails, Jack

Bummer.

I liked him.

03:00 pm: Bye Jack
Happy Trails, Jack

Bummer.

I liked him.

02:59 pm: Bye Jack
Happy Trails, Jack

Bummer.

I liked him.

04:55 pm: When Is Enough ENOUGH??!
When Is Enough ENOUGH??!

You know those idiots that you hear about who manage to throw away their family because they are addicted to the internet?

That would be my mother.

Sick thing is that as much as she is online...I STILL never hear from her.

She is too busy to be bothered with her family because she has to devote ALL of her spare time to her precious internet "friends".
She even managed to find herself a new and improved fake daughter...so of course she has no use for the real one anymore.

Don't think it doesn't piss me off on a DAILY basis...it does.

My birthday was yesterday.

Not even an email.

YOU SUCK LADY!!

Fine.

I get the picture.

Have fun with your phony kid in your phony world.

Sorry about what will happen when the real one runs out from under the porch and bites you in the ass...but you have it coming.

Giving up your family for a bunch of AOL drones is too pathetic for words.

01:39 pm: Happy Birthday to me...
YAY!
Another year and I am still alive.
Rumsfeld RESIGNING was an added bonus of a present.
Now if Bush and Cheney would follow suit we all just might make it before we topple over the brink.

It was lunch time and as I looked up to head out, there was Dereck.

That's so cool.

That was what I wanted for my birthday anyway...well...that and...uhhhh...

Well, THAT present will have to wait a few days.

:D

Back to my knitting.

01:53 pm: Walking Exfoliator

MEOW!!

11:20 am: No Child Left Behind...
No Child Left Behind my ass!

Was this kid helped or hurt by the never-ending tests that the "No Child Left Behind" act has brought about?

After reading this article, I think the kid's first impression of his principal was right.
Perhaps she is having her broom re-bristled.

McCarthy's May 6, 2005, letter to Tyler's mother detailed her son's suspension. ``The fact that Tyler chose to simply refuse to work on the WASL after many reasonable requests is none other than blatant defiance and insubordination,'' McCarthy wrote.

So what.
The kid is in 4th grade.
He somehow managed to still be able to THINK FOR HIMSELF!!
Good on you, kid.
Don't let the "educational" system brain-wash you into being just another hapless test-taking drone.

I applaud this child.

"No Child Left Behind" doesn't teach children HOW to think, it teaches them WHAT to think.

As annoying as it may be, I WANT kids to say "NO!" now and then.

This kid said no and had a valid reason.
Neither he, nor his class should be punished for that.

That brings up another point.

How do these "people" treat those kids that have learning disabilities?
Are they treated like an abomination as well?

It is my opinion that this school principal has made a vocational error and should be directed to the nearest unemployment office to re-evaluate her life choices.

09:42 am: Focus
Funny how it isn't really a calming of the mind that allows me to focus, but more the other way around.
Take a step back and LOOK at the thing/issue and figure out how to fix/improve it.
It is so much easier to build anything when you have actually looked at the plan, chosen the right materials and tools for the job, and set about the task with confidence.
This goes for building relationships as well.
I find myself with a man who actually DOES want to communicate, which is pretty foreign to me at this point.
I have heard that line so many times it isn't even funny from men who only wanted to "communicate" by grinding me into the dirt emotionally.
As much as I would like to just get over it, it isn't quite that easy.
Amazing what triggers we have that we don't even know about.
Most men have treated me like a pair of tits with a pussy and a pulse.
Being treated like that doesn't really make me feel all hot and sensual.
Dereck simply isn't that way.
It takes a bit of getting used to.
Of all the men that have babbled about how romantic they are which is generally a load of crap that they dished out...he actually IS that way.
I found the first email I got from him, and 7 months later it is all still the truth.
You know how you get my trust?
Be trustworthy.
How do you get my loyalty?
Be loyal.
I was married once but I never felt like we were building a life together.
He had his life and I had mine and somewhere in between we lived together.
Honestly, how can you really feel like you are building a life together when your man constantly reminds that you are what he settled for, not what he actually wanted?
Dereck is not that way.
He doesn't spend his time constantly trying to "upgrade" to a "better" woman.
He actually WANTS what he has.
What a concept...so do I.
THAT is what it takes to build a strong bond with a person.
TRY WANTING WHAT YOU HAVE!!
What a concept.
How wonderful is it to have someone in your life that actually DOES stand behind you?
How calming it is to know that I can trust this man.
I love my simple man and our simple palns.

02:09 pm: Look Pal....
I liked you but you had your chance.

When I was single you were a nice chew toy...but you decided that a chew toy was all you wanted to be.

You wanted to swing through the trees like Tarzan.
As I recall that was part of the problem I had with you in the first place.

I have found that in spite of all the experimentation that I am, at heart, a nice boring monogamous person who is more than happy to give myself to ONE man who wants to be with ONE woman, that being me.

I got what I wanted...and I cherish it.

You just don't get it.

Don't hit on me.
I don't hang out with you because I HATE that.
It is disrespectful to me and my boyfriend and I simply won't have it.

Why does my man trust me?

Because I am trustworthy.

I have no interest in anyone else.

I could tell you were not my friend and were just out to get a piece of ass when I told you point blank that friends are great but you were not now, or ever, going to get laid by me and you did the usual "oh well, Take Care" backpedal for the proverbial door.
Jackass.
It is men like you that make my sweethearted man disgusted to be surrounded by a planet full of men like you...and it is men like you that make me appriciate him just that much more.